n an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis. -Quentin Crisp
Contempt is the polar opposite of empathy. Contempt is arrogant and dismissive ("I know best") and has no regard for the concerns or feelings of others. Contempt separates and creates distance between individuals and groups. Contempt is not discernment, it is the passing of judgement. Contempt is not an expression of values, it is the denial of the worthiness of another.
Contempt is at the heart of every abusive relationship, it is inextricably woven into the dynamics of power-over. Contempt dumps the toxicity of the abuser onto the abused. Common signs that contempt is embedded in the dynamic of a conversation: Eye-rolling, dismissive gestures and sarcastic tones of voice. Beware of these negative communications, from outright nasty comments and attitude to the subtleties of "hate with a smile or a laugh" type putdowns. These are sure signs that someone is not listening or is listening to deprecate you, not to gain understanding. Talking with a contemptuous tone of voice or dismissing information from the other is a power play that says "I matter, you don't." Every battered spouse and abused child knows sound of sarcasm and the look of contempt in in their abusers eyes. Everyone who has faced harassment because of their race, gender, sexual orientation or beliefs knows it as well. Whether it is expressed as open disgust or cool disregard, contempt is the bully's moral high ground, increasing their feeling of power and status.
Contempt is the emotional engine of xenophobic expressions like racism, sexism, homophobia, Islamophobia and antisemitism. It dehumanizes and demonizes, creating an alien, the other. Contempt has been the tool of despots throughout history, used in witch hunts against adversaries, building support by fear mongering.
Many are shocked at the brazen openness of contemptuous bigots like Donald Trump, Kim Davis, Mike Huckabee, the Duggars and their ilk. The media's latest outrage is has been there all along for the oppressed, the abused, the overlooked, the shunned. Rendering another invisible may be the most subtle form of contempt, but like all forms of erasure, it is contemptuous and it is a decision. It takes contempt from "you don't matter" to you don't exist" And yet people are shocked when the media parades an injustice for the public. They are forced to see what the invisible have known all along, that the contemptuous behavior on display is real, hurtful and damaging. Social change can push the worst to the surface revealing a hidden truth about the worst form of contempt for another- looking away while someone else is abused. There's the blank stare with a complete lack of acknowledgement. There's also the painted on smile which acknowledges nothing while following the unwritten rules about "just getting along". Or the momentary downturned frown at the unpleasant intrusion and perhaps a perfunctory "Oh that's too bad" without any other sign of empathy when confronted with evidence of abuse. Those treated contemptuously on a regular basis (be they battered spouse or child, or members of an unpopular minority group facing bigotry) know the smiles and tears of these types of crocodiles all too well. Gestures as hurtful as the hateful words and actions of the batterer, perhaps more so because of the dismissal inherent in the fake empathy of the self involved. The message is clear either way- if one dares to leave the closet of erasure and invisibility, one faces the risk of scorn from the contemptuous benefactors of their status quo, or dismissal from lack of any kind of real support.
Contempt has become an essential part of our modern media, though it's not so much about justice as it is about ratings. It's easy to join a bandwagon of contemptuous judgement (Nancy Grace has made a career of it) when the media seizes onto the latest outrage, without considering whether it's true or not. The case of John and Patsy Ramsey is a revealing example. They were tried in the media for for years after the murder of their daughter JonBenét, and although completely exonerated in 2008, there will always be those who believe the Ramsey's did it. There's even a South Park episode which presupposes their guilt. It's easy to have contempt for the killer of a child, and easy to be led when one is being pulled from a place of emotion rather than reason. Contempt is often based on assumptions and personal baggage rather than facts. This makes it easy for those who use contempt to promote their agenda through the media. Self righteous presidential wannabe Mike Huckabee has repeatedly shown contempt for LGBT people in his career as a public figure. When marriage equality was validated by the Supreme Court in June of this year, he condemned the decision with vile and hateful rhetoric, at the same time exhorting people to forgive Josh Duggar for molesting his sisters because he claims to be a "Christian". In this case, the perpetrator claiming to offer proof of his own moral (and spiritual) superiority and shows contempt toward anyone disagreeing with his personal definitions or the hypocrisy of his behavior.
Empathy
“I’ve talked to 30,000 people on this show and they all wanted validation. Everybody wants to know, ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything? -Oprah Winfrey
Cultivating empathy is an essential component of moving beyond the internalization of contempt, which manifests as shame. Much has been written about the power of forgiveness, but the first step to forgiveness is having compassion for oneself. Forgiving the other is important, to be sure. To get to that, though, it's essential that you forgive yourself for having believed every contemptuous lie you ever took to heart. "Took to heart" is the operative phrase, many a rebel spends their life disavowing the lies and abuse they've experienced while making little progress in their personal journey to healing. Arguing a falsehood can be seen as a way of perpetuating the lie, and therefore the shame. It doesn't matter if the shame came from an abusive parent, a preacher of hate or a schoolyard bully. Sometimes all you need to get started is a sense that "I am not what you said, and I will not be like you". Self-forgiveness can come from that simple beginning, facing the shame is painful, it's never more so than acquiring the shame in the first place. A word of caution however, be sure you know the difference between real forgiveness and "premature forgiveness", which is just another way of avoiding dealing with the issue. We have to accept the legitimacy of our pain to truly release it and genuinely experience forgiveness. It's necessary to acknowledge the reality of the transgression, and the validity of our resultant anger. We give our power back to the transgressor if we dismiss the intensity of our anger, for we cannot really assess it's true impact on our lives without it.
The metropolis Mr Crisp mentions can be seen as the recovery of our self worth without requiring that the world change for us. Since wherever you go, there you are, it's the same you that started the journey. Contempt is the force which casts out the outcast, and it is propelled by emotion, and not reason. Every day that the outcast gets up and presses on is a victory. And every day that one holds contempt for another takes it toll on them and their ability to fully relate to those in the world around them. Although that may seem like cold comfort, it's only in the short run, Over time, developing the ability to experience empathy and love is the ultimate repudiation of the contemptuous aggressor. Living well, as they say being the best and only appropriate revenge.
Theresa Wiseman's Four attributes of empathy:
1.) To be able to see the world as others see it—this requires putting our stuff aside to see the situation through the eyes of a loved one.
2.) To be nonjudgmental—judgement of another person's situation discounts the experience and is an attempt to protect ourselves from the pain of the situation.
3.)To understand another person’s feelings—we need to be in touch with our personal feelings in order to understand someone else's. This also requires putting aside "us" to focus on our loved one.
4.) To communicate our understanding of that person’s feelings—rather than saying, “At least...” or “It could be worse...” try, “I've been there, and that really hurts,” or “It sounds like you are in a hard place now. Tell me more about it.”
